Sunday, January 11, 2015

The Crack Head Side Chick With A Fitz Phone

Mr. B is a 49 year old minister who I became friends with in 2003.  Mr. B helped the ushers at my church’s yearly Passion Play.  Standing nearly 6’8” with the demeanor of former NBA coach Phil Jackson, Mr. B was assigned to my section to help me catch a swinging rope during an action scene.  Mr. B would effortlessly catch the rope, and my little 5’5 self would grab the hook to secure it.  What a team we made!  Our volunteer relationship grew into a friendship where we’d discuss life’s ups and downs.  Once Mr. B observed one of our Pastor’s security detail checking me out during services and stepped in to make sure the guy was about the right (he wasn’t).  After that I nicknamed Mr. B my “Male Naomi”, likening him to Ruth’s mother-in-law Naomi in the Bible.  Mr. B is my wise Zen Master, and even after he moved to Arizona in 2010 our friendship remained strong.

For the past week I’ve been working on several “Wisdom” posts simultaneously, all of them dealing with Avant.  Mr. B asked me a question via my Facebook inbox and I jumped at the opportunity to run some things by him.  And that’s where things got interesting. 

“Well, Fluffy, he obviously has some things, including finances, which he has to get straight before he could date or marry anyone.”

I know men want to be providers and Steve Harvey’s Think Like A Man book reinforced that.  Avant worries about money and that stems from his childhood.  We both came from financially strapped homes, but his conditions were more humble than mine.  Avant had his Master’s degree, yet I had a higher position and made more money. At the time it was $22,000 more.  Avant switching jobs changed that to nearly $30,000 more.  I never talked about my salary, but I sensed he was not comfortable with me earning more.

I make no apologies for the blessings of God on my life.  What Avant never found out was that prior to Fall 2011 my finances were a wreck.  My student loan refunds, an unexpected stipend at work and the Grace of God made the difference between his finances and mine.  Avant assumed I was like other women he’d dated, expecting him to pay their bills, buy their groceries, etc.  They needed his wallet as opposed to needing him.  He hadn’t discerned my difference (or picked up on the clues I dropped at his feet).  It wasn’t until our last phone call October 10, 2014 that he asked what I wanted and he was floored.  I wanted the man who possessed the wallet. I wanted him.

If you’ve followed my blog, it’s pretty obvious how I feel about him.  But I’m not foolish enough to be believe you can live on love.  Reality hit me after Christmas when I received my updated student loan payment schedule.  Unless God worked a miracle, there is no way his income could support the two of us and children.  I’d have to work full-time, something neither of us wanted.

“He also seems very emotion driven & once that is over, reality kicks in & he runs (not a good character trait by the way and you know that).”

Very true.  I saw a lot of that, but I thought the drive was God was accelerating my dream to get married.  During an intimate moment Avant asked if I could see myself living in his city, and without hesitation I said yes.  Before I met him I was considering this, so his asking seemed like a promise of something to come. When I learned my interim job was made permanent, giving me the option to move I couldn’t wait to tell Avant.  His response was lukewarm and that alarmed me.  He broke up with me five days later.

“Finally Sis, Avant’s not ready because he's not willing to make the sacrifices a real Man-of-God makes in the courtship of a woman.  His other activities make his weekends too busy for you.  I think he cares for you, but you aren’t at the top of his list.  You’re the person he comes to when he’s needy or lonely. 

Uh oh…My friends (April, Denise and Marti), Steve Harvey, authors Michelle McKinney-Hammond and Rob Hill, Sr., Pastor John Gray, Pastor Joel Osteen, Pastor Van Moody and even Bishop T.D. Jakes alluded to this.  A good friend of mine went so far as to reach out to her friend Okera H, author of Be Your Priority, Not His Option: Insights on Thoughts and Actions of Men and Ways to Respond on my behalf.  He sent me a copy of his book with a personal message. A post by blogger Ms. T.N. King on December 29, 2014 opened my eyes.  It could have been written by me.  It’s titled The New Side Chick – I Was Her (

Oh God (and I use this phrase as a prayer), I am a side chick…….

“Fluffy, I believe God is showing you Avant isn't the one because what you prayed for is not coming from Avant, thus, it's not him. LOL!”

There is no greater love than the love from God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  That quiet voice I’ve mentioned in previous posts told me Avant was not for me in November, and again while on my December cruise.  The Voice went as far as to say Avant was keeping secrets from me.  That’s a future blog if God allows me to publish it.

“Your heart will heal, it just takes time. You've invested in him emotionally so there is a process of healing that needs to take place.   I know how you are."

Oh Mr. B, you know me so well.  God, why does he keep coming back into the picture?

“You asked God to not bring Avant into 2015, but you have the authority to cut that tie….Remember when David was lusting for Bathsheba?  He had the power to stop it. God didn't move her away (grin), but David did not walk in his authority....You have the authority to tell this guy ‘we can have no further communication’ & you need to so you can heal.”

Dang it Mr. B!!!

On November 1, 2013 April and I were discussing the previous night’s episode of Scandal. In one scene Olivia Pope is talking to Jake, and is upset that Fitz hasn’t called her.  Each year he runs his jokes for the White House Correspondents Dinner by her, but this year he hadn’t.  Trying to show Jake she was indifferent, Liv tosses her “Fitz Phone” in the trash.  Later in the episode a depressed Olivia is in her office alone drinking wine when the Fitz Phone rings.  She stares longingly at the trash, then scrambles on the floor (in her white suit I might add), digs through the garbage and answers the phone. April said that was me, and of course I denied it (Avant and I weren’t talking at the time).  

“Girl, are you telling me that if Avant called you right now, you wouldn’t answer the phone?”

“Nope!  I would never do that.”

Not even a week later, guess who was sleeping and almost fell out the bed trying to grab her ringing phone?

“Fluffy, I woke you up. I’m sorry (it was around 8pm)".

“Ummm, no you didn’t.” 

(God forgive me for lying.  But back to Mr. B...)

“For a Crack Head to get delivered she can’t hang around crack.  Sis, you a Crack Head.”

Ouch!  That hurt – but Mr. B was on it!  Avant is my addiction.   No wonder I like Justin Timberlake’s “Pusher Love Girl” so much (Google the lyrics).  I need help, can’t go out like Whitney or Amy Winehouse.  At least I didn’t sell my body to get him.

“And I’m glad to hear you two didn't ‘cross that line.’ You will be fine Fluffy, you just have to give it time to heal. You didn't get all those feelings in 1 day. You got this.”

Yes, I do Mr. B.  I got this.

I know I'm not alone.  I found this while writing - I hope it helps.


Love Addicts Anonymous

The Twelve Promises
donated by Susan P.
  1. I have a new sense of freedom because I am letting go of the past.
  2. I am hopeful about my future relationships.
  3. I can be attracted to someone without falling in love overnight, and I can fall in love without obsessing.
  4. If love does overwhelm me I do not act out in addictive ways.
  5. I can tell the difference between fantasies and reality.
  6. I do not have to control the ones I love nor let them control me.
  7. I experience relationships one at a time and I do not get involved with “unavailable” people.
  8. If my basic needs are not being met, I can end my relationship.
  9. I can leave anyone who is abusing me either verbally or physically.
  10. I do not do for others what they should be doing for themselves.
  11. I love myself as much as I love others.
  12. I look to my Higher Power for strength, guidance, and the willingness to change.

Question:  Are you a Crack Head, Side Chick with a Fitz phone?
Scripture:  Psalm 34: 17-20


  1. Mr. B did not hold his tongue. We all need friends like that. Initially it hurts when they say it but once we step out of our emotions, we realize that it is true.

    Everyone loves and heals at their own rate. And cutting off communication is one of the hardest things to do because we believe we'll miss the call or email from them pouring out their hearts saying that they changed and want to do right by us. Yet the truth is, it's just our fantasy that's a band-aid over a brokenheart.

    You are wise Fluffy. You'll heal. You'll meet the right guy at God's appointed time and you'll realize why it didn't work with Avant. Lol toss out your Fitz phone and have the strength to free yourself. Don't leave a window or door cracked for a distraction to divert you from your healing process. The question is, "Are YOU ready to free yourself of him?" Great blog!

    1. Thank you! Like a person in recovery I'm taking it day by day. I have not had any contact with him since January 7th.