Wednesday, February 17, 2016

I Still Believe

The desire to be a mother has been strong since I was a little girl, around 5 years old.  My brown Baby Tenderlove, Brown Rub A Dub Dolly and Baby Wet and Care were my children.  I changed their diapers, combed their hair and made sure their clothes were nice and neat.  I looked forward to the day when as a big girl I’d go with my husband to the hospital and bring home a little one wrapped in a pink or blue blanket.  It would be a few years later before I learned what was necessary for a baby to be created. Yuck!  Why did I need a boy to do things with his body parts?  Couldn’t a baby magically be inside me?  Didn’t God do that to Mary for Jesus to be conceived??

As the years went on, there were girls my age that did do things with boys, and they ended up pregnant.  I was 10 years old when my classmate Melinda started having sex and got pregnant – she was 11.  Her mother withdrew her from school and they moved away.  I never saw her again. If Melinda delivered the baby, he or she would be 35 years old.  I didn’t have a full understanding of what being saved meant, but I did know that I wanted to honor God and not get pregnant before I married.

In my 20s I attended (and at times helped plan) bridal and baby showers for my peers.  I celebrated their joy while mentally preparing for my own “one day.”  Followers of this blog know my “one day” remains “some day.”  All the baby showers I attended?  Those children are graduating high school and college.  I expressed my frustration during an appointment with Dr. Youngston.

“Fluffy, it’s not uncommon that women are waiting longer to start families.  Some by choice, others by circumstance.  You made a decision based on your religious beliefs and decided to have children within a marriage.”

“And look where that got me.  I never thought it would take this long.” 

“What are your thoughts on being a single mother?”

“I’m open to adoption, but it’s costly to do it alone.”

“What about a donor?”

I guess my face spoke volumes, causing Dr. Youngston to smile.

“Yes, Fluffy, a sperm donor.  Artificial insemination is one option since you want to physically have a child and aren’t in a relationship.  Have you ever seen the movie “The Big Chill?”

I was young with the movie came out, and had no interest in seeing it as an adult.  I shook my head.

“Then that’s your homework.  I want you to rent the movie or get it from Netflix.  We’ll talk about it during our next session.”

That night I consulted my good friend, Google, to learn more about artificial insemination.  The information was overwhelming!  A few things I learned:
  • There are a number of insemination methods.
  • Sperm donors are on average between 18 and 40 years old, and are extensively screened.  Some clinics have donor profiles on their websites.
  • Donor sperm is genetically screened and washed of impurities.
  • Frozen sperm can be mail ordered and kept froze up to 7 days using liquid nitrogen shipping containers.  80 million live sperm are frozen, approximately 24 million remain once thawed.
  • Fertility doctors can order sperm on a patient’s behalf, or the patient can order themselves and request a home insemination kit.  No turkey basters necessary!
  • A vile of sperm can cost $295-$500, and the home kits are $30-$50.  Shipping is $125 - $290 per order.
  • There are few African American donors in my geographical location.

I completed my homework by watching the film, and I won’t spoil the plot if you haven’t seen it.  Do you watch Being Mary Jane?  I recommend Season 1 where there was a similar storyline.  I gave Dr. Youngston a report during my next visit, joking that it would easier to use a local donor and turkey baster, adding that if I had sex at least I would have a good time during the process.

“Let’s explore that, Fluffy.  The turkey baster is hit or miss, but having sex could definitely solve your problem. What are your thoughts?”

Moments passed before I responded.

“Doctor, if Avant and I were still together he’d be the one.  I would have given up celibacy for him.”

Yes, I was ready to break the promise I made decades before.

My mind drifted to Saturday, February 15, 2014.  Avant is sitting with me on my bed at the LaQuinta Inn, caressing my hand…asking if I could see myself living in his world.  Two things stopped me from giving in to what my body craved:  Mother Nature visiting and the fear of Jesus returning during the act.  I didn’t want to miss the Rapture by getting caught up in the rapture. 

Since I’ve promised to be transparent, I have to say that I’d become angry and borderline bitter.  I’m a GiGi (see And That's Why I'm Gon' Take A Good Girl) so why was God punishing me?  Didn’t He read on WebMD that a women’s fertility peaks at age 31 and declines 3% each year after, dropping dramatically between 39 and 42?  Doesn’t He know that a 45 year old has a 1 in 30 chance of having a baby with Down’s Syndrome?  By 49 this risk is 1 in 11.  We won’t even discuss menopause. 

I’m thankful I have a God who allows me to get real with him during my prayer time.  I poured out my heart; my tears flowed freely as I asked questions – afraid of what the response might be.  God has called my friend April to a life of singleness, was it my calling to be childless?  God remains silent on this topic, and all I feel in my spirit is Him saying “Trust Me.”  I’ve trusted for 40 years now, and will continue to stand on the promises of God.

Psalm 113:9  “He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!”

Romans 4:17-18  “ Abraham's faith did not weaken, even though he knew that he was too old to be a father at the age of one hundred and that Sarah, his wife, had never been able to have children. He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God.”

Hebrews 11:11  “By faith Sarah herself also received strength to conceive seed, and she bore a child when she was past the age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised.”

I’ve written on how God ministers to me through song, and lyrics from Prince and Angie Stone’s duet “You Make My Sun Shine” dropped in my spirit.  The song has a Gospel feel to it, and these are the words that came to me:

Listen to me now baby, ohh
Let me tell ya what I gotta do (tell ya)
I gotta stop lettin' them devils
(define what it takes to be a woman)
Stop lettin' him tell me what it takes to be a woman
Gotta never stop believing in me, myself, and I
Pretty little lies that the rich keep using
I opened up my eyes,
The only reason they're winning is 'cause I keep losing
Gotta get back to my rightful place
That's the subject of my song
Queen of the human race
This is where I belong

In this trusting place you can erase
Every tear that ever rolled down your weary face
All the time you waste in that paper chase
Is time better spent in these arms of mine
Heaven sent angel so divine
You're my complement
U make my sun shine
U make my sun shine at night

Thank you, God, for your trusting place.

Question:  How would you feel if God’s response to your deepest desire is “No?”

Scripture:  Genesis 15:6


  1. Wow, Fluffy I totally respect the transparency. The wait doesn't get any easier. However, take it from me, the soul ties to the wrong person due to sex isn't worth it. The heartbreak is even worse and the self guilt is traumatizing at times.

    If Avant is the one, it'll be made known to you. I think he needed time to mature. And if you were willing to break your vow of celibacy, it could be the reason why God kept you two apart as well. You've done it God's way this long. This may be your ministry to others soon.

    Reading the Bible about Sarah is discouraging and encouraging at the same time. You get what you want, but on the other hand you want to be able to enjoy the gifts during your youth.

    We all have a different calling and the truth is, sometimes the calling isn't anything we would have chosen for ourselves. Trust me, I never would have guessed mine. But when we gave up our will for the will of God, we did away with our own dreams and desires. Ask God to help you desire His will and His will only for your life.

    I truly believe you'll be married and have children of your own. And I'm not just saying that as a friend, but I really do see that for you.

  2. Thank you! I realized I didn't respond to your post.

    During that session with my doctor, I realized how close I could have come to giving up with I cherished. Admitting it helped me deal with the reality head on, and I'm back on track. Our connection is strong with a low level of physical intimacy. I'd be a wreck if we'd slept together.

    I don't know what the future holds, but we both have areas to work on.