Thursday, July 7, 2016

Turn The Page

I made a decision to cut all ties with Avant.  We had fallen into a pattern of texting and emailing on a regular basis and the feelings I'd tried to bury were resurfacing. He and I had to have "The Talk." I'd been ignoring his calls and messages for two days while I prayed on what I would say to him.  The talk happened as I drove home from work at 5:15pm on Friday April 8, 2016. 


"I'm sorry that I've withdrawn a bit. I've had a lot on my mind, and some decisions I have to make."

"Decisions?" He asked, his tone humorous. "Decisions like Janet Jackson type decisions?"

"You could say that.  I have to make some changes, cut some things out of my life."

His tone of his voice became more serious.

"Wow Fluffy, that sounds pretty deep. But I know you are a woman of prayer, and you seek God in all your decisions. I know in my heart if tells you to cut things or people out of your life, you'll do what He says."  (He thought I meant my current work situation). 

"Even if one of those people is you?"

"Huh?"

"Avant, we've been down this road before. You asked if we could be friends and I said yes. But I can't.  I can't be friends with someone I'm in love with and they don't feel the same."

"What did you say Fluffy?"

"I said that I can't be friends with someone I love.  I can't - "

"Fluffy, I love you.  I love you too."

"What?"

"Baby, why do you think I keep reaching out to you?  I've loved you for a long time, but after how stupid I've acted I didn't think you'd give me another chance. You're who I want to be with."

The words I've waited to hear since I discovered boys weren't yucky.

I've been told it takes 21 days to develop a habit and for 21 days I was in the habit of receiving morning/bedtime texts, phone calls and emails from the man who said he loved me.  On the 21st day (the Friday night before a much anticipated date) I received a text message that took me off guard, but deep down I shouldn't have been surprised.  The text led to a night of prayer and restless sleep.

I woke up Saturday morning and continued praying in my Heavenly prayer language (tongues) because I didn't know how to pray.  I poured out my heart in a language I didn't understand to my God who knows the plans he has for me. And then He spoke:

"Let Him Go."

It was an audible voice.  Not a feeling, not an impression but an indescribable voice.  The message needed no clarification.

When Avant called we spoke for 20 minutes.  I ended not only our renewed relationship, but our three years of friendship. I told him not to text me, call or email me.  I wished him well and said that he was not God's best for me. There was no anger or malice in my voice.  Avant wasn't prepared for me to cut off all contact, but I had to. I had the closure I've wanted but didn't feel victorious.  I wasn't triumphant  - I was sad.

I was hurt that I hurt Avant.  I knew from his words, his tone and the silence that I'd wounded him.  Some would say that it was payback for how he's hurt me but I disagree.  I do not go around intentionally hurting others.  To be obedient to my Father I had to do what he instructed.  For 21 days we professed our love and the 22nd day I cut him out of my life.

He was mindful of my words until the morning of June 29, 2016.  I opened my work email to find this message:

Good Morning Fluffy,
My mouth dropped when I heard the news…..however, I want you to know, I am happy knowing you are out of there and more importantly living out a dream.  

God bless you always!
 Avant    

I smiled and went about my day.


It's been 7 hours, 68 days since I sent Avant away.
Since he's been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see who ever I choose
Eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant, oh yeah
But even though I've let God take away these blues
Nothing compares, nothing compares to you.


Question:  What does obeying God mean to you?
Scripture: Luke 11:28

2 comments:

  1. I can't even imagine how hard that was for you. But God isn't in confusion. While the answer may have hurt, I'm glad that you have peace. You are really on a journey. I don't doubt that during this process you'll be led to the right opportunities and right person.

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    Replies
    1. It gets easier each day. I'm excited for what God has for me, and trust I won't be disappointed. :-)

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